Second Time’s a Charm

Till death do us part seems to hold for only 50% of all marriages. This is not really surprising given the stresses and strains of marrying young, starting a family, building a career and building a life. This is a stressful time of a person’s life and many marriages just can’t hold up to it.

So we leave our first marriages knowing that there is better out there for us; we will not repeat the failures of our first marriage. But wait – 72% of second and 85% of third marriages end in divorce as well. What is happening here?

I read a very profound statement the other day – “We need to keep the lesson and throw away the experience”. Let go of the past; so many people hang on to the past through blame, recrimination, anger, hatred, resentment, and all other negative feelings.  So many people I talk to blame their ex-spouse for all of the problems in the relationship. They are so angry and can’t seem to let it go.

Hanging on to negative feelings and blame does not allow you to really see the lesson. 

Big surprise – you are not entirely blameless in the divorce. Your ex-spouse would probably lay the blame squarely on you. Is that fair? It doesn’t matter – it’s over. Now is the time to really focus on the lesson. Look for some insights into yourself and your values.

Who were you in that relationship? How did you respond to the stresses of every day life? When did you shut down? What were the compatibility problems – money, raising the children, religion? If that person wasn’t a good match then what was the original attraction?  You need to take a really good look at your role in the marriage break down.

But it wasn’t all bad. Remember the good times. What went right? What moments stand out as memorable? What did you like about the person originally? What parts of that relationship would you like to re-create?

 Now is the time to really take stock of who you are and what you want. This is the reason that second marriages fail at such an alarming rate – no one listens to the lesson. And the cycle repeats- “it’s not my fault”.

AND BIG surprise – blame and anger are not attractive qualities in the dating arena. If you find you are getting rejected more often than not you have two choices – dig deep within yourself and owe your responsibility in relationships and let go of the blame and anger or give up and accept being alone or in  a series of  doomed relationships.

The good news is you don’t have to be perfect to be attractive; you just have to show up. Your true authentic self is very attractive; so strip away the ugly layers of fear, anger and blame and get out there.

Good luck!

Related Posts:

  • No Related Posts