Are You Stuck?

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Imagine your car is stuck in a muddy, rain filled rut. The more you gun the engine the more the tires spin and the deeper you sink. You can’t move forward and you can’t back up. You are stuck. Yet, like most of us, you continue to try and rock the car back and forth and gun the engine because that’s all you  know and yet you are still stuck. 

Does your dating and relationship life feel like that?

Coaching is like calling a tow truck. Coaching gives you a lift, a nudge, a push in the right direction. Coaching provides the leverage to get you going in the right direction.

So if you are feeling kind of stuck and want to come up with an action oriented, forward moving plan to find a great, loving, deeply connected relationship then give me a call. We can strategize on how to get you unstuck!

 “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Einstein

 

 

 

The # 1 Reason You Are Still Single.

Ouch, this is going to hurt:  You are the number 1 reason you are still single. You are getting in your own way.
I constantly hear the same things:
– “I’m too (fill in the blank – short, tall, fat, skinny, old, poor, busy, bald).”

– “The only singles I meet are (fill in the blank – short, fat, boring, gold–digging, needy, old, carrying too much baggage, broke, no class).”
Are these limiting beliefs holding you back? Take a minute and exam your beliefs around why you are still single. Are you focusing on the negative? Do you truly think it’s because something is wrong with you? Do you have a negative view of other people? What if I told you that you are wrong – whatever you are telling yourself is totally wrong? Think about that for a moment. What would your dating life be like if you were completely wrong on all accounts?
A great example I hear often from my female clients is “No one wants to date me, I’m fat”. Wrong, no one wants to date you because you don’t think you are worthy and that is the message you are putting out there. Men acknowledge your message and move on. You are so certain that no one finds you attractive that you walk around not noticing the ones who are attracted to you. You are walking around with a little dark cloud over your head or your shield up; that is not attractive to anyone. There is someone out there who will love you just the way you are but you have to get out of your own way first and let them see you.

You might think you are OK but have a tainted view of the dating pool. Do you believe all the good ones are taken? That men are only looking for cooks and caregivers? Do you believe all women are gold diggers?
Again, not true. But people react to your negative attitude and stay clear. And once again, you are wrong. There are a lot of great singles out there looking to give as much as they get in a loving, committed relationship.
Try giving people you meet the benefit of the doubt; try to see the world from their perspective.  If you are still having trouble changing your limiting beliefs give me a call. We can work through them and wipe them out once and for all.

Fun Fact: Where Are All The Singles?

These are great odds. Now get out and find your one.
41,750
The number of lone-parent households in Calgary

115,980
The number of one-person households in Calgary

 

Men are Looking For Someone To Cherish

“Men are looking for someone to cherish”.  A statement made by a male friend over coffee as I was describing my parent’s relationship. My dad adored my mom and is just biding his time until he sees her again. She died 10 years ago this month and he misses her every day.  He then showed me a fuzzy, extended arm, self-portrait picture from his iphone – his girl was resting her head gently on his shoulder and he was smiling.  Both had a quiet, contented look on their faces. “This is happiness to me; this is what I want” he said.  

Quick, without too much thought, what was your initial reaction to the above paragraph?

If you are a woman did you immediately go into negative mode – “yea, right”, “if that’s true where are these wondrous men?”, or “I’ve only met men who want me to cook, clean and take care of them, they didn’t want to cherish me, just use me”.

How about the men? Were you thinking – “that’s true but women don’t appreciate what I have to offer”; “women are just takers and users; they don’t want to give anything in return”.

Or did you think “Ah, yes. That’s what I want”?

Guess what – you are all right.

I absolutely believe it is a true statement. Strong, mature, grounded men are looking for someone to cherish; strong, mature, grounded women are looking for someone to cherish them. So where is the disconnect? Why do so many relationships break down? Why does seem that no one feels that their needs are being met?

The answer is easy, the solution complex.

Men choose what and how cherishing looks and feels like to them; they never really ask or understand what a woman wants in order to feel cherished. Women often fail to see that his actions are his way of expressing his feelings. Women end up feeling unloved (a terrible place for a woman’s heart to be) and men feel unappreciated and disrespected (cuts to the core of the male ego). More often than not, women start to nag and withhold sex. Men withdraw and do less.

Women: Why won’t he just listen.

Men: Why won’t she just shut up.

Powerful, horrible stuff!

The Solution: Really, truly, at a very deep level get to know yourself. Figure out what you need and learn how to express it. This is a very vulnerable place to go. We have spent years protecting ourselves from our frailties and just as many years blaming others for what we lack. The answer to finding a deeply, committed, connected, loving relationship lies within you. You need to figure out who you are, what your core values are, why you are here, what purpose you serve. Create a strong picture in your mind of what kind of life you want and who you want to create it with. Learn how to express it and ask for it. Then find someone who will fit in that picture. Stop trying to put square pegs in round holes. It doesn’t work.

Be tough and demanding on yourself, set high expectations of your life and then balance that with being gentle and forgiving to yourself and others.  We are all in this together; no one gets out alive.

I really value your feedback and opinions; please feel free to drop me a line. I offer a complimentary 30 minute strategic coaching session if you want to find out if our programs are for you.

“Life may not be the party we planned; but while we are here we might as well dance.”

Stampede Extravaganza

Yippee Stampede is Fast Approaching

It’s a great time to be single! 

 

We are so lucky to have an event like the Calgary Stampede in our city. So many people meet and start wonderful relationships during these 10 days of free spirited fun. But don’t stumble into Stampede blindly hoping to meet someone – make sure you have a plan. Don’t leave your love life to chance; take charge and have fun.

  • There are so many fun things to do during Stampede but you probably can’t do it all. Have a clear objective – to meet single people. Don’t confuse getting out and meeting new people with networking. Unless you have boundless energy and lots of time, forgo the networking and corporate functions this year. Or perhaps take a night off for networking.

 

  •  Do you know who you are looking for? Start doing your research now – there are so many events, parties, bars and functions to attend; make sure you go to the ones that are likely to have people you are interested in – age, profession. Plan out your week based on your research; double up events and have a back up plan.
     
  • Have a wing man (woman). You need a friend who understands the “mission”; leave your married friends at home and find yourself an accomplice. Do not travel in large packs. You are too difficult to approach and a large group is not nimble in the event that the party isn’t going well.
     
  • Dress and behave to impress. Yes, the loudest, drunkest people get noticed but that’s not who you are. Don’t over drink – trust me you aren’t funny or sexy when you’re hammered. For women – dress age appropriate – the young girls all wear way too little, you shouldn’t. The rule of thumb is to only show off one asset at a time; so if you are showcasing your cleavage make sure your skirt is not short; if legs are your asset keep your cleavage covered. Too much skin is tacky. Gentlemen – make sure your jeans fit well, don’t wear baggy, old torn jeans. And iron your shirt.
     
  • Approach people – yes it’s difficult but you need to “work the room”. Don’t use cheesy lines; find something in common with a person or think of a question to ask and get out of your comfort zone.
     
  • Don’t get caught up in the moment. Remember you aren’t meeting people under normal conditions. This is not who you are and this is not who they are; take your time after Stampede to get to know the person before you declare your undying love for each other – in other words, keep your clothes on!

So put on your Teflon suit, let rejection roll off you and have fun!! If you are struggling with getting your plan together or don’t know how to approach singles give me a call; I have a few spots available for between now and Stampede to help you work on your success plan.

 

Where Are You?

“People are where they are because that is exactly where they really want to be.” ~ E. Nightingale

Ouch, think about that one for a minute. If your love life isn’t firing on all cylinders is it because you have put yourself in that position?

The good news is you can make a different choice – you can choose to have a fun, meaningful relationship. But it means taking risks, putting yourself out there, being vulnerable.  This is not easy but you can do. Make small changes and slowly gain momentum.

The first thing I always tell clients – Put on your Teflon suit and let it slide right off you. No one likes rejection but unfortunately it is part and parcel with dating. But rather than internalize rejection and treat it as confirmation that you aren’t worth, switch it up and think of it as one step closer to finding a great, deep, fulfilling relationship. You can’t be all things to all people and you absolutely deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you.  So if someone rejects you say a quiet thank you and move on. I know, it drives you nuts, but don’t obsess – move forward. Let it all slide off you and enjoy the moment. There is someone for you!

 But if you can’t let it go and find yourself obsessing about the why then perhaps you need to do some more work. Do you really know yourself? Are you looking for someone with whom you are compatible? Can have fun with? Make a life with? Do you have a clear picture of who you are looking for and why?  Do you know what you can bring to a relationship? Please tell don’t tell me you are looking for someone to complete you. You need to be whole prior to embarking on the search for your soul mate. One of the best things about being single is that you have the luxury of focusing solely on yourself. You can really dig deep and figure out who you are and what you need and want out of life. Learn to accept your faults; laugh at them. But then embrace your strengths. The most desirable people in the world are those who understand themselves. They know who they are, they know what they want. They have confidence; but are willing to keep learning and digging.  

If you are doing something that you think is appealing to the opposite sex but isn’t really congruent with who you truly are then STOP IT.

If you are constantly seeking approval – STOP IT.

If you are hiding; please stop it. Come out of hiding and show yourself. We’d love to see you. If you are waiting until the stars align before embarking on this journey then stop waiting and just get out there. Don’t worry about those few extra pounds or wait until the children are grown and out of the house, or wait until you get that big promotion or wait until you can afford a better house or until… (fill in the blank). Don’t let life pass you by – be kind to yourself.

“Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”